Day 3 : A VC’s Biohacking challenge: Coping with my grand mothers death

Optimizing Productivity in low days.

Balancing portfolio management, Pitchworks huddles, updates, and optimizing productivity amidst office work is no small feat. When striving for monumental achievements, one must inevitably navigate through challenges and hurdles — a truth worth reiterating as a guiding mantra.

“Great achievements demand resilience; it’s in overcoming hurdles that we discover our true potential.”

In this blog, I document a few initiatives I’ve implemented to optimize productivity during low-effort days, eliminate distractions, and manage both personal and professional adversities, including cutting down sugar and coping with loss.

This blog also pays homage to my grandmother, Pankajam K., wife of Krishnan and daughter of Santham and Lakshmi Ammal. Born in pre-Independence India in 1934–35, she passed away on 9–12–2024.

This is likely the only digital footprint of my grandmother to date — a tribute to a kind and caring woman. She raised three daughters and one son, overcoming the profound loss of her husband in the mid-80s to early 90s. She ran a saree sales business to support her family, marrying off two daughters and seeing her son become a lawyer.

As a child, I often visited her in Erode and later in Chennai. Each meeting was graced with her warmth, her kind smile, and her unwavering blessings. She had an extraordinary ability to exude kindness and love to everyone she encountered. She often manifested i would be a great person

At 89, she left us, her passing marked by recurring health challenges in her final years, particularly during the November-December seasons. Her resilience, grace, and boundless love will forever remain etched in our memory.

Every December for the past 4–5 years, I would receive distressing updates about my grandmother’s fragile health, coinciding with the onset of my annual fasting ritual for the Sabarimala pilgrimage. This sacred journey to honor Lord Manikandan Swami demands unwavering devotion and meticulous adherence to tradition. My mother would often counsel postponing the mala (sacred vow) due to familial customs, as dictated by the profound cultural ethos we uphold.

The Significance of the 41-Day Vratham

The 41-day vratham is not merely a ritual but a transcendental practice aimed at purifying the devotee’s body, mind, and spirit. It serves as a preparatory period for the arduous trek to Sabarimala, embodying an ascetic lifestyle inspired by the principles of renunciation (vairagya) and self-discipline (samyama).

Key Tenets and Disciplines

1. Celestial Devotion and Abstinence: Pilgrims eschew all forms of sensory indulgence, including sexual activity, to channel their energies toward spiritual elevation.
2. Dietary Purity: A strictly sattvic diet, devoid of stimulants such as caffeine and processed food, emphasizes simplicity and harmony with nature.
3. Ablution and Ritualistic Rigidity: Daily ablutions in cold water, accompanied by the donning of clean attire, symbolize internal and external purification.
4. Barefoot Pilgrimage: Pilgrims traverse barefoot as an expression of humility, stripping away the luxuries of material existence.
5. Constant Invocation: The ceaseless chant of Swamiye Saranam Ayyappa fosters unwavering focus and spiritual resonance.
6. Fraternity and Egalitarianism: The practice annihilates societal constructs such as caste and class, promoting an egalitarian spirit where all are united as devotees of Ayyappa.

The Spiritual Manifestation of Sabarimala

Sabarimala, ensconced in the verdant Western Ghats, epitomizes the seeker’s metaphysical journey toward liberation (moksha). The abode of Lord Ayyappa, a manifestation of Dharma Sastha, symbolizes the cosmic equilibrium between righteousness (dharma) and transcendence.

Philosophical Underpinnings

Lord Ayyappa, revered as the embodiment of divine equipoise, is a deity of profound esoteric significance. As Dharma Sastha, he represents the perpetual balance between pravritti (worldly action) and nivritti (spiritual detachment). The pilgrimage itself is an allegorical conquest over the baser instincts of ego, greed, and ignorance, culminating in the devotee’s spiritual ascension.

The ritual is interwoven with metaphysical elements that reflect the principles of tapas (austerity), shuddhi (purity), and shraddha (faith). By traversing the dense forests and steep inclines, the devotee embodies the triumph of perseverance and surrender over the tribulations of mortal existence.

Sabarimala thus transcends the confines of a mere physical pilgrimage — it is an odyssey of self-realization, a sanctified communion with the divine, and a testament to the immutable principles of dharma.

I have written about this in same medium 2014
https://medium.com/@gokulrangarajan/c364bb46cf97 and that wad one of my first article.

There were moments when I was profoundly worried, fervently praying not only for my gradnmother recovery but also for the strength to continue this sacred process without interruption. I cherish this ritual deeply; every success, every milestone in my professional life — big or small — I owe to the transformative journey that the process of Lord Manikandan Swami has instilled in me.

However, once I donned the mala this time, the devastating news of her passing reached me. It plunged me into a state of deep sorrow, disrupting my focus entirely. The loss of a beloved soul weighed heavily on my heart, but it was the interruption of the process that compounded my grief, leaving me disoriented and anxious about what lay ahead.

This break in the process felt like a significant blow, particularly as it coincided with my biohacking journey — a pursuit of self-discipline and optimisation. The interruption not only tested my resolve but also emphasised the fragility of balance when external and internal worlds collide.

First to stay on biohacking process On this low day, I ensured:

• I avoided sugar, coffee, and tea.
• I refrained from consuming white rice.
• I stayed proactive by taking all meetings and attending every call.
• I practiced meditation.
• I prayed in front of my grandmother.
• Tried to minimize chaos meaning and depressed thoughts
• I shared the news professionally only with Kamal and Radha sir, understanding that negative news can mentally impact others.

Witnessing loved ones cry — my uncles, aunts, and mother — was deeply painful.

“Death is not the end of life. It is a transition to another state of existence. It is the liberation of the soul from the bonds of the body.”

I also remember the poem

The Eternal Journey- Emily Dickinson

Death is but a whispered call,
A beckoning voice, soft but tall,
That speaks to us in the quiet of night,
Inviting souls to take their flight.

It comes unbidden, with no warning sound,
Yet in its wake, mysteries are found.
It carries us from a world we know,
To a realm where time and space don’t grow.

The body, frail, may cease to be,
But the soul, untouched, is forever free.
It sheds its cloak, its earthly form,
And rises above, away from the storm.

In the afterlife, what do we find?
A peace, a stillness, a state of mind?
A place where memories softly fade,
And the burden of life’s struggles are laid.

In a house where death has cast its shadow, one cannot dwell on the subject of passing endlessly. There must be a sense of composure, a steady resilience in the face of grief. Yet, the living memories of the departed continue to haunt us, lingering like specters in our minds. The sight of their physical form, now reduced to a lifeless body, is something the human psyche struggles to process. Our brains, unaccustomed to such a stark confrontation with mortality, struggle to reconcile the person we knew with the inert vessel before us. These moments, filled with sorrow, invoke an overwhelming emotional response that the mind is ill-prepared for.

I focused on maintaining awareness of the long-term implications of lingering in a low mental state. Cultivating positivity, blessings, and good thoughts is vital during such moments. Despite the sorrow, I consciously directed my thoughts towards positivity.

The weight of memories, the lingering guilt, and the sorrowful regret over unresolved actions can relentlessly haunt us. Our own inner turmoil and the pain of past mistakes resurface, creating a maelstrom of emotions. We cannot help but feel the burden of what was left unsaid or undone, and the weight of these unresolved matters only deepens the anguish. In such moments, the mind becomes a battlefield, torn between the urge to honor the departed and the struggle to move beyond the pain that binds us.

Maintaining a positive focus during periods of grief is essential for emotional resilience and overall well-being. Concentrating on affirmative aspects can mitigate the pervasive effects of sorrow, facilitating a more balanced mental state. This approach not only aids personal healing but also preserves professional efficacy.

Disclosing personal bereavement to colleagues can inadvertently affect workplace dynamics and productivity. Sharing such news may lead to discomfort or distraction among team members, potentially impeding collective performance. By selectively communicating personal matters, one can uphold a professional environment conducive to sustained productivity and focus.

In essence, fostering a positive outlook amidst personal loss is crucial for both individual recovery and maintaining professional integrity. This strategy ensures that personal challenges do not unduly influence workplace harmony or efficiency.

As I sat beside her, my mind became ensnared in a web of overthinking, questioning the very essence of my journey. I possess an unwavering, absolute conviction in Lord Tharkappan, with each step of my life unfolding according to His divine orchestration. Yet, intrusive doubts pervaded my thoughts:

• Had I faltered in my past actions?
• Was the Lord signaling my omission from the vratham this time?
• Did the divine wish for me to defer my pilgrimage?
• Should I have exhibited greater devotion or extended my days of vratham?

This incessant rumination precipitated a sense of melancholia, dragging me into a sea of confusion. It was only through writing this that I managed to extricate myself from the mire of uncertainty, crystallizing the realization that the ultimate arbiter in this sacred odyssey is the Guruswamy — the venerated spiritual guide, the sole decision-maker in this sacred process.

The Guruswamy principle in Ayyappa worship is integral and profound. A seasoned devotee who has transcended the physical and spiritual trials of the pilgrimage, the Guruswamy assumes the role of spiritual sovereign, directing the acolytes through the rigorous 41-day vratham and the sacred journey to Sabarimala. They are the epitome of asceticism, sagacity, and piety, the vital nexus between the devotee and the divine.

The Guruswamy governs all aspects of the pilgrimage, from resolving existential doubts to safeguarding the sanctity of the rituals. This system mirrors the highest ideals of Dharma, promoting humility, fealty, and collective unity in the divine pursuit.

1. Spiritual Leadership and Mentorship: The Guruswamy provides spiritual guidance and mentorship, ensuring the devotee adheres to the pilgrimage’s discipline and practices.
2. Custodian of Sacred Knowledge: They impart the sacred teachings, rituals, and significance of Ayyappa worship, ensuring the devotee understands the spiritual journey.
3. Guardian of Rituals and Discipline: The Guruswamy oversees the devotee’s adherence to the strict rules of fasting, abstinence, and self-discipline.
4. Resolver of Doubts and Guidance in Adversity: They offer support during moments of doubt, reassuring the devotee and reinforcing their faith in the journey.
5. Facilitator of Community and Unity: The Guruswamy fosters unity among devotees, ensuring collective adherence to spiritual discipline and mutual support.
6. Moral and Ethical Role Model: By exemplifying virtues like humility and self-control, the Guruswamy inspires the devotee to follow the path of righteousness.

In my moment of uncertainty, even my professional guide, Balaji Sir, reaffirmed this truth. He imparts the wisdom that the Guruswamy alone possesses the keys to the path, and through their guidance, the journey shall inevitably come to fruition.

“When my grandmother’s corpus was taken to the cemetery, the entire process felt daunting. When we arrived, just a few steps before the body was to be taken for the final rites, there was a power outage.

We waited for more than 20 minutes. After a while, my uncles asked the priest if the Vishnu Sahasranama could be chanted during the waiting period. The priest consented, but only towards the end of the chant did the power return. Following that, my grandmother’s body was taken to its final resting place.

The government worker at the cemetery, a devout Ayyappa devotee, had placed a mala around his neck. I asked him if the process didn’t apply to him, to which he explained that his work was separate and did not interfere with his devotion.

“I’ve never been particularly attached to relatives, often prioritizing work. I’m not sure if it’s my attitude, my gut or my biochemistry, but I have always felt a stronger connection to friends and colleagues than to family. However, in this process, I had the opportunity to reconnect with relatives I hadn’t spoken to in ages.

I am deeply grateful to my grandmother for the life she had leaf

A person’s attitude is shaped by gut health, past experiences, biochemical balance, and nutrition — each factor influencing one’s disposition. I’m uncertain if I will ever fully replicate my own actions, but I’ve told myself that I would like to stay in touch with my uncle, who is my childhood hero, the man who bought me my first bicycle, and an exceptionally good person. I owe this to my grandmother.

My friend Balaji also reflected the same; he too said that what would have happened if the same thing had occurred on a later day when the process is been done — all things are for good.